halloween weekend i.e a really long post

As much as I am starting to feel like Beijing is home, this weekend, I was super touristy and it was fun. It was a good two and half days of 老外 (laowai-meaning foreigner) fun. It had all the aspects of a tourist weekend that one could ask for, getting lost, not being able to find the simplest of western things, a western holiday, debauchery, broken Chinese, bootleg DVD’s, beautiful Chinese girls, sight seeing, making it painfully obvious that I am a foreigner by my lack of tact, roommate mockery, a sketchy trip, finding something that makes you miss home, and of course pizza. This post is really long and kind of picture crazy

So I’ll start with the epic journey to get Jell-O. And yes I called it epic, because it was. Given it was only epic because I made it epic, but whatever, I had a friggin blast. So I’m sure you’re asking (all two of you), gee Andy, why did you need Jell-O? I’ll tell you, I had a genuinely stupid idea. 4 words. Baijiu Jell-O shots (for those of you who don’t speak Chinese, that is 4). So baijiu is rice wine, which ranks in both the top 5 worst and greatest things to come out of china. Basically, you can buy a bottle for 6 kuai or about $1 which is roughly 60% alcohol and 500ml. The cheapest drunk you’ll ever get. That being said, it is wretched stuff that smells like a hangover… So of course I’ve decided that I need to find a way to make it drinkable. The conclusion, Jell-O shots. I mean it works with everything else, why not this. Here’s the problem, apparently Jell-O isn’t quite that common in China. No worries though, there’s Wal-mart, right? Pshaw. I checked every aisle at Wal-Mart, twice. Two grocery stores and a Korean quickie mart. Nothing. This takes me to Friday, the day the Jell-O is supposed to be eaten. I’m now sitting with 2 bottles of the crappiest liquor in the world, not knowing what to do with it… And then it happens, someone tells me about a western supermarket where she bought Jell-O! Jackpot. At this stage my roommate is already laughing at me, mocking me, and telling me just to quit. My need for Jell-O is being compared to Harold and Kumar needing white castle. Completely illogical and reckless. But I wanted that Jell-O, no I needed it. I didn’t care that it wouldn’t have time to set or that I didn’t know where the store was or that it was way out of the way. I was going, F the consequences. My roommate agreed to get my costume for me (more on this later) and I was going straight from work, to buy Jell-O, to make Jell-O at the party, no dinner, costume, or anything needed for Halloween, just Jell-O. It only took the aid of 3 locals to locate the store and get there. On the last aisle, it shimmered like gold, my Jell-O! The most expensive Jell-O I’ve ever bought, but hey, that’s not saying much, plus it’s imported. I had my treasure and set off to make it. There were no measuring cups and no small glasses to pour it into, so it was professional Jell-O bowls by Andy. Into the freezer they went, because there wasn’t time for proper setting. We needed Jell-O and we needed it now.

As this time, Annie, her friend Jeff(?) and I left to grab a quick dinner before guests arrived. Ironically, as we sit down to eat at an expat restaurant, she points out that they sell Jell-O… I almost cried. There goes 4 hours of my life. In the end though, the 30 minutes in the freezer, 30 in the fridge alternating made some perfectly set Jell-O bowls in just less than 2 hours. Success… sort of. They smelled like crap, but they did the trick. People gathered around will spoons and commenced the eating. One bowl even got tilted up on the roommate as he chugged Jell-O, or at least tried. It was a success, but not one that should ever be repeated unless your goal is to get hammered beyond belief. The babies pack a punch.

So onwards to the rest of Halloween. First off, the party was a success, props to Josh and Annie for pulling if off (we make a sweet team). We even got in trouble for noise once, I felt at home. Someone’s gonna call the RA, shit shit. A few costumes were done really well including a software pirate, which was quite easy and entertaining, a crash test mummy, a little mermaid, and a devil wearing Prada. It was a jolly time with much booze and merriment, plus nothing in the fancy apartment got broken, even though it was trashed.

We headed out at about midnight, splitting into some smaller groups. I passed on the 100 kuai club with the crazy party, but I heard it was pretty sweet… if you remembered it, which most didn’t. Instead I opted for the classic Sanlitun, the laowai hang out. This was the first half of an interesting clash of living in China. As I climbed into the cab, I realized I was the only one who wasn’t basically fluent in Chinese and fully functional in society. So I got to be the whitey and sit in the back and not talk to the cabbie and got to be the loud English speaker. I can’t complain, because we got where we going and I got to listen to some Chinese with no real work. We got a few funny looks walking the last stretch, Rich drank some glass, and it was effing cold, but we made it. And then it felt like Halloween. People dressed up, girls looking slutty, people with half-assed costume, and of course someone puking in the street. It was like a mini Franklin st, except this one stays open until at least 5am (suckas!).

We stopped through a few bars and didn’t really need more to drink as some of our drink was already in zombie mode (drunk, not the costume) and eventually I ran into some local AIESEC and got split off from the bulk of the group and headed to the dance floor with them. It made for some entertainment as the dance floor was covered in costumes including both the girls wearing practically nothing (some of the Korean girls were basically naked), guys dressed as girls (at least one got hit on), and of course the awkward grinding as people try to maneuver around an obtrusive an oversized costume. Eventually we managed to reunite with Josh and call it a night, since I was crashing at his place. This was kind of shitty because I missed Cassie aka the little mermaid go straight gangsta. Since kanye west is in town, his DJ was performing and had tickets up for grabs, one was just put up there for someone to take and she dominated some inferior woman and called up by the DJ for the “gangsta” shit she just pulled. I guess I should point out she is Canadian and half Chinese, not your normal gangster where I’m from.

your gangster, mermaid dressing, cave climbing Canadian and the drunk host

Fast forward to the morning, walks of shame galore, and it was great. Not only do foreigners stick out to begin with, but in full costume on a Saturday morning… classic. The funniest to me, may be a certain friend who had to attend Spanish class the next morning, still in outfit which just happened to be a very small Brazilian soccer outfit. At lest she was in the spirit of it all, not decked out in some Man U gear.

Anyways, the morning came, and with it brought a huge amount of cleaning, as always. Oh well, it sucked a little, but life went on. After mopping the floor, we figured out the insanely complex washing machine (the files are in the computer?) and then went into a panic looking for a lost wallet, which had been drunkenly tossed onto a window sill. We then proceeded to return the enormous number of beer bottles for their deposit to Beijing’s version of the beer fairy. This fairy was a 3 year old. She of course was not the one who sold us the beer, but she did in fact greet us and say goodbye in better English than her parents and the majority of the natives I meet. The cutest little girl I’ve seen in ages, and she sells beer… I think I might have to steal her before I come back.

Which brings me to the next thought; you can bargain for about anything in China at a street market. Prices aren’t set unless there is a scanning device (and even then…) so you never know what your gonna get. So the thought is what would happen if we tried to buy a child? If you were selling hats or whatever and I came in and bought a hat and then pointed and said how much for that one, pointing at your child, would you bargain? I mean really this is how I see it going down (English since most of my readers don’t speak Chinese, all 2 of you):

Me: How much for that one?

Owner: 50 kuai

Me: No, not that one, the little thing over there

Owner: Oh that hat, 30 kuai

Me: No the child over there

Owner: My kid?

Me: Yeah, how much to buy him?

Owner: You want to buy my child?

Me: Yeah, how much, he goes really well with this hat and outfit.

Owner: Not for sale

Me: 1000 kuai

Owner: what?

Me: 1100 kuai

Owner: um… 3000 kuai

Me: Too much

Owner: but look at this quality, it’s not a fake

Me: 2000 kuai

Owner: 2500

Me: *starts to walk away* too much, I can find cheaper elsewhere

Owner: Can you do 2200?

Me: turns, done!

Crap, now I have a kid, and really he doesn’t match this belt after all…

Well that’s how I see it going down.

Saturday was the day of recovery, full of broken Chinese as I wandered around. However, it did end with a wonderful bootleg version of Heat (1995). I’m going to take this chance to recommend this movie to you all, it’s pretty awesome. I’m not sure how I’d never heard of it before, especially with the cast and plot. It’s a basic cops and robber movie with a lot of twists. The big names include Al Pacino, Robert Dinero, Ashley Judd, Val Kilmer, John Voight, William Fitchner and Natalie Portman among others. But basically what I took away from the movie is that you don’t fuck with Al Pacino, even if he’s not Scarface, cause he’s always going to be crazy. The other morals of the story are “I may be alone, but I’m not lonely” as well as if you fuck over the people you love, you’ll probably get shot, which sucks. Get your priorities straight. Just warning you, it’s a long movie, but great (although some people did manage to fall asleep during it)

Bring on Sunday, well not really because I was not ready at all. I got a know on the door from the roommate,

“You about ready to roll young?”

“WTF! We’re not supposed to meet them ‘til 1 and its like 15 minutes away.”

“Dude, its 12:30”

“Fuck”

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in 4 funerals and a wedding or pulp fiction. I’m just glad our other roommate doesn’t speak English and can’t follow the huge amount of obscenities we hurl around the place.

Anyways, the reason we were meeting a posse to go to 颐和园 which is the summer palace for those of you who don’t know characters. It’s this really sweet place that’s close and scenic. A nice day trip. This brings me back to the point about hte cab on Halloween. When dividing up cars, we try to split up the Chinese speakers. This time however, I was the only one who really spoke Chinese. There was some broken elsewhere, but in case of a situation, it was time to turn to Andy. Its amazing how quickly I go back and forth from being the kid with hte Dunce cap to the linguist in the group. Beijing is different. Anyways, we got there and we wandered around, they snapped pictures, I was just happy about life in general. I realized how good we’ve got it. The place had some of the cooler buildings I’ve seen, a beautiful, calligraphy created by stones placed into the ground. Generally, it was just pretty amazing. However, the highlight was of course, routed in being stupid.

So walking around one of the islands that had big natural stone walls, we stumbled upon a few caves (well not really, they are next to the path around the edge of the island that everyone walks on) that had bars across them. They looked like prisons. However, there was no way in to them, or so it seemed, so we were confused. Surprise. Then we spotted a whole about 6 feet up that seemed to go into the cave, sure enough, tall boy (that’s me!) looks through, and it does. The train of thought went something like this. I bet I can get through there. Man, would it be weird to climb in? I wonder if I could get out. I might be too fat to get through. How much would it suck to get caught in there? If I just throw my keys in, I’m committed, right?

Meanwhile Cassie, the cool Canadian (can you believe it!?!) girl is telling me to do it. She also insists that she will come as well. Basically, we decide it’s a good idea, because frankly we are stupid. So in we went. We got a nice little crowd of Chinese looking at us like we were idiots (they may have been right) but really, I’ve gone somewhere that basically no one else has, so that’s kinda cool. Plus I looked and felt like I was coming out of the womb on the way out, so that was a nice rebirth. Man, we foreigners are stupid.

After that, we started the trek home. As always in China, the simplest tasks can be an adventure. We went out a different exit than we came in, and there weren’t really any taxis. This kinda sucked given that we were a group of 6 and needed 2. Then we got the common offer, someone will drive us for money. It was a nice sketchy ass van, that he informed us could sit 8. We were six and bargained down to a nice price and moved to go home. This van was a true POS, the seats were just seats in the back that he picked up and arranged for us so we could face each other. It was crammed and we were curious how to fit 2 more in if needs be. Oh well, we made it home alive, barely.

Walking home, I ran into Beng, my Filipina friend. She invited me swimming, which I gladly accepted since I haven’t done it since I got here. It was amazing, but I realized how out of shape I am and how much I miss polo. Here is my pre-made rant about missing water polo.

Living in Beijing is great, but something is missing. The worst part is that I know exactly what it is, water polo. Not being able to play is changing me as a person. I don't have the fire and desire that water polo gives me. The lack of polo is making me a calmer and gentler soul, but not always in a good way. Sometimes I hear what I say and can't believe it came out of my mouth. I feel corny. I've tried substitutes in other sports and working out, but nothing replaces water polo. The desire to play runs deep into my core. I still just want to hop in a pool and rip someone’s head off. I need competition like I need air; it gives me reason to move forward. Even from around the world I hear that Dook is going to nationals and I have no desire greater than to hop in the pool with whatever team they are playing and wreak havoc as well as feeling sweet revenge for the scar on my wrist. And for those of you who have never played, water polo is irreplaceable. I've tried other sports and competition and pushed my body to extremes, but it can't do the trick. Everything else just seems weak and silly. Strength of will and force don't work in other sports the way they do in polo. It's like a grain or rice when I'm starving, a little peck of a kiss when I want you so bad, or only getting to giving an angry look when you just want to rail someone... there is no satisfaction. I ache for water polo, the chance to turn straight through a defender even though I feel the double team crashing hard, or to rip the ball out of some poor hole set's hand and then leaving him dead in the water with a kick off his hip...

Took the old coach for a ride and scored on the Fox, oh the memories

After that it was true western style pizza and good times before bed. Thus I made it to the week and alive. However, here are my slight asides about work.

1. I tried to introduce my co-workers to the words gangster and gangsta, I think I failed, because now they think I am gangsta and I have been referred to as “Gangsta Andy” multiple times.

Andy as a Gangsta

2.So for some reason I’ve been talking about superpowers recently, when I asked my coworker, her response after much thought was to be able to turn anything into money… jeez, not that cool. So I asked her about flying, wouldn’t that be sweet? “Why would I want to be able to fly, we have airplanes.” Priceless, I love china.

3. They have the greatest emoticons here; I have one of one penguin slapping another. It’s great.

And if you read all of this, congrats, if you just skipped to the end to get a pat on the back, well, I’ll give you one anyways, because if your self-esteem is in that much trouble, I’m not gonna be the one to push you over the edge.