Subtleties

Subtleties consume my days. I don't know as many people so I get lots of time alone to think and I think about these tiny discrepencies... 9/11 brought on a big one to me. This date is truly important to me the way it is to most Americans. I'm not somoene who wakes up and thinks about post-9/11 on the day and wonders how things could have been if Bush had done things a little better. Instead, I make sure that I take a long and serious period to think about hte day itself, the acts, what it means to me, how it has changed me and how it has touched the lives of those around me. I get angry, sad, driven, and the full spectrum of emotions. It's only after I have relived the day in my mind and heart that I will think about the last 7 years. However, even after this, I don't get the urge to "stick america's boot up someone's ass" as many do.


This isn't too say I don't think that we should have just sat back and done nothing, however, I don't think having the greatest military to ever exist means we can't take the time to think how to use it. So as I walked through Beijing, I thought about what it meant to be American. Since I didn't see another US citizen until about 7pm that evening, this was a monologue of thoughts. What it came down to for me is the difference in loving your country and being patriotic. Now before you say there is none, think about it for a moment. In my mind, at this time in the States, I feel like these words have diverged in the aftermath of 9/11. The moment tore open so many hearts and made every citizen think about what this country meant to them. At that stage, patriotism was loving your country. However, someone the word got twisted into supporrting our troops and believing that we had the right to invade anyone and act unilaterally. Patriotism was as much about the US abroad as it was about the US at home. This is where things went wrong for me. I love America, I truly do and I know this better now that I'm in China than I ever did living in the states. However, that doesn't mean I love everything that the government does, or even most of it or who is making the decisions. I believe that patriotism is turning into a neo-imperialistic word for Americans who don't understand the international situation and position of the US. Patriotism doesn't mean you should have other countries or think they are inferior and it doesn't mean that you have to support the military 100%, thats what makes the US the US. Freedoms.

And yes, this is coming from a PWAD major at UNC who studied international and national security and sat in Jackie Gorman's office on a regular basis. Patriotism does not mean being republican, pro-war, or any of that, or at least it didn't when I began following politics and policy. So if you ask me if I'm a patriot, I might have to say no because of the scourge that often comes with it, and rather I'd say I love the US. I love that anyone can walk down the streets and not get stared at by everyone, that we can have stupid politicians making stupid choices, celebrities being celebrities for no reason, and that our culture is a blend of others, not something that we claim as just our own. I love the fact that when people in China ask me what food we eat in the US I asnwer with foods from all around the world, including here, not just one simple food. I love that people are amazed that I have friends of so many races and want to know about Indian weddings, asians in the states, how different if at all are mexicans and canadians from the people from the states, and if I think kobe is great even though I'm white and from the east coast, followed by the amazement that I have black friends. I love the fact that you can do basically whatever you want (legally of course) and not be judged so heavily or stared at. Plus I love taco bell, cheerwine, and water polo, none of which I can find here.

That last part brings me to the next subtlety that I am constantly living here. The difference between a glance and a stare. Let me tell you, I get a lot of both here, being white is enough to get a glance as is being tall. So I get a lot, I mean I also glance at foreigners and tall people because htey don't blend in, its just the nature of seeing something different. I mean really, having that many eyes on you sometimes makes you feel cool, but sometimes its very unwanted. Like on the metro, I can often catch people staring for 5-10 minutes at a time. Its very odd. When its just a kid, I figure its because I'm different, but when its an adult or a group of teenagers, I question why they are doing it. I don't react negatively, although sometimes I want to. Sometimes I stare back, other times I ignore it, however recently I've started waving or even saying hello in Chinese at times. This normally ends any staring and tends to have them look away even if I talk to them. These are the stares I don't like. The glances make you feel different and out of place, but the stares are judgements, sometimes positive and sometimes very negative. One girl who couldn't speak the best english, but tried anyways whipped out her cell phone and wrote a text in english because that was easier than saying it, and it was very sweet. Other times the stares turn to glares and disaproving looks, especially on the way to work, like I don't belong in China's version of silicon valley. Its amazing how different a glance, stare, and glare can be.

The final subtlety I've noticed here is body language and ennunciation. In my comm classes (yes I was a communications major at one point) I had a teach explain that if you could speak within a time limit and with a great speech and vocabulary in a manner that someone who spoke English as a second language could understand, than you had public speaking down pat. This always made sense, and I see it here more now that I am listening to people in Chinese and am trying to understand. Those who do the best for this, don't over-articulate words like people want to when speaking to someone in a foreign language. They speak normally but with clear crisp sounds and no white noise in their voice (i have quite a bit of that!) and they minimize unneccesary hand motions. Hand gestures can be very helpful, but if they aren't directly related to what you are saying, it can be very confusing as I try to figure out why they are pointing. For everything I planned on learning here I figure out about 10 I hadn't thought of.