and a gramme of soma for you

So this post is a little more about my life and little less about china, since there is way too much to write if I let them combine. The China one with beerfest update, Frisbee, company soccer, work, and that good stuff should be up in a day or so. You can wait if you don’t care about the inner workings of my mind. Personally, I think this is a dangerous thing to read, so much that I won’t proofread, so I apologize. So here is what I’ve been thinking, how I’ve been living, and generally the mind of Andy versus Andy in China.

Basically, I have tons of time to think and just kind of be because I can zone out whenever I want since I can turn off my ability to understand the language like it’s a light switch. This ability in itself has intrigued me. An interesting thing to do is try to listen to a language as just sounds not as words. Depending on your level, you can’t do it. English can’t just be sounds anymore, it’s strange to not be able to break down and ignore focused word. I’m remember learning about this is AP Psych but I never really thought twice about it. However, trying to do it now I realized I really can’t. With Chinese I’m still capable. For a while I believed that thinking in language was the true sign of fluency, but I believe this is a much better demonstration. When one has reached the point where a language is truly a language and no longer sounds being converted slowly by ones language facilities. Yeah, so the human mind is a pretty cool thing, with the triggers and safeguards we’ve got wired in.

Elsewhere in life I’ve done pretty well falling into a few bad habits, primarily making an ass of myself and not knowing when to shut up, oh and being slightly hypocritical at times. Not really any surprise there, but for those of you who know me better than you should, it’s a well known fact that I’m the only one who can get under my own skin. I generally lack shame and really don’t let other people’s judgment bother me. However, if I do something that I feel ashamed of, or feel bad about, I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. Own worst enemy/critic. And for that reason, I’m OCD about apologizing about some things and forget to about others. Either way I’m going to rant about all that good stuff right about now. We’ll start with the general making a fool/ass/moron/idiot/whatever you prefer to call it of myself.

I have a bad habit of generally just acting like a fool and not realizing it. This issue is much greater in China where I stand out being foreign, a giant, and generally much cruder because of my American background (for those of you who haven’t ever left the states, we really aren’t at all PC and are very rude and crude by most standards, much more than expected). So when I’m around certain people (my roommate, certain Australians, and generally white people) I get carried away with western humor and this just builds on itself since it is generally pent up and built up humor that has been held in pretty well and long, so its vulgar even by my standards (yes, that is possible). The issue is not so much the humor, I have a good time, it is moreso getting caught up thinking that no one understands it. I know (this ties into the hypocritical thing) that I should assume that a lot of the Chinese understand English, because I get pissed when they assume I don’t speak any Chinese and am an idiot. So I try to, but sometimes I get caught up. However, evne thinking they understand, I generally assume that they won’t get all the references and humor and slang even if they speak English (this is true) because English language training and even living in the states for a year or so doesn’t really help with this. So in general this is a true and safe bet, I mean half the people in the states think I’m speaking a different language at times (i.e. if I’m talking about working that up-do and how ri-dik-alous tha back of yah head is or referencing Towely getting high). However, about 1 in 100 times someone understands, and frankly that sucks if it is the one time you happen to be talking about people around you. Needless to say this has happened, however ironically she said something to her friend in Chinese saying that we were talking about them thinking I wouldn’t understand, so the conversation quickly ended before anything truly dumb was said. In the end, lesson learned, for now… or just talk in Spanish?

As for not knowing when to shut up, that’s nothing new to me as you all know. Damn… so this is mostly done randomly, but done when drinking I really f*ck up. So yeah, did that again when I said I wouldn’t. Basically this is an apology. You know who you are if I said something stupid and shouldn’t have, so sorry. No details this time.

Random aside- if you say something stupid you shouldn’t, is it still bad if its true? Lets say you tell someone their fat and they get offended, but he/she is standing 5’2” 280lbs? Or what if you tell someone you really don’t like them, and you don’t? What about a situation just sucking and you tell them? The truth hurts I know, but is it better to tell and seem a jerk or to lie and be nice. I know sometimes people need a friend, but normally I feel like the truth is the best route, however lately I’ve wanted to lie, because the truth leaves me feeling like an ass when I wake up in the morning.

Outside of this, I’ve been thinking about life so much as of late. I get lots of opportunities to talk about it since people want to know about my life and past and my views and opinions and my lack of commas in sentences. Also I’ve been re-reading brave new world, revisited edition. I question what happiness is for myself and those around me. Really, what I’ve come down to is that I really am a weirdo. And yes, I know people have been telling me this for years, but it took me a while to accept. I mean I really am way too carefree and rely far more on fate and the ability to scramble then I should. Plus I really have motivation to do most things. I really don’t even know why I came to China. I mean learning Chinese was a plus, but what it comes down to is that I just was like, that seems like a decent idea, and then just ran full speed with it. I really don’t function through the normal motivations of money and promotion or working for a greater good in the sense of a nation or religion at the moment. I believe in a greater good for humanity and the world I can influence, but I’m not currently striving for a bigger picture. Yet I am exceedingly happy and this doesn’t bother me at all. I’m happy to be where I am in life and feel good.

I’m not sure why, but this has led to me giving lots of advice and apparently being good at it. My guess is that I can be pretty objective and really put myself in any shoes and think about the best outcome for the person’s situation, not just themselves. I think it might be the impersonal calculations and the fact that I look at it all like a big math or economics equation. I even assign some values in my head just to hold places. I wonder if others look at this all so mathematically or is emotion always over involved (women i'm talking to you :-p) Now I just have to learn to take my own advice and stop acting a fool.

This has creeped me out to a degree because I reading brave new world again and I feel like I’m the main character Bernard except really happy, or just on Soma all the time. Basically, I’ve the cynical character who can’t accept the conditioned world except I’m drugged up. But hey, at least he has hot Lenina for a while.

Ramblings aside, on a scale of 1-10 of happy, I think my last year has been about an 8.5 and I doubt I’ve dipped below a 5 even at the worst of moments, had you told me this in high school, I would have been disgusted at myself. Yet I can’t even count the number of days that were a 10. Life is good, so smile like you mean it.

And the music of the moment, since music is so vital in my life:
Top 3 Albums: Red Album-Weezer, Chronic 2001- Dr Dre, White Teeth-Nine Inch Nails
Top 3 (edit-5)random songs: Reedemer-Marlyn Manson, Mr. Carter- Lil Wayne, Damn it feels good to be a gangsta-ghetto boys ,Smile like you mean it-The killers, Runnin’-Tupac and Biggie